Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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