Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
