is your mom at the bar?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
