I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
