apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
