i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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