He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
