he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
