After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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