just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
