The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
