You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize