I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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