I cannot find my penis.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
