You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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