I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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