this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
