Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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