i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
