Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
