I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
