hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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