i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
