am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
