Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
