You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
