her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
