Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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