i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
