I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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