reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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