Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize