i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
