The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize