So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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