shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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