There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
