I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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