The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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