Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
