I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
