I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
