I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
