I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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