She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't deserve a penis
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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