I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
