Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i used baking grease as lip gloss
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Success! We fucked roommates!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
