The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
