ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
