I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
