How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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