No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
not ubering you a puppy
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
