I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
