I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize