billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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