Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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