Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
