I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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