I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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